Marcy freaks out when the water's empty. We get Culligan here at the office. The dispenser is on the main floor in front of the reception desk, but curiously, the jugs are kept in a nook on the second floor. It is then either my or my colleague Ben's duty to bring a new jug down to replenish an empty one.
When Marcy sees that the jug is empty, she goes into minor crisis mode. I can't quite figure out why. Whatever the reason, she gets on the phone and repeatedly calls Ben and I until she gets a hold of one of us, regardless of her primary job position, which is to answer the phone.
This week's been an exceptionally busy week in terms of the volume of phone calls. Students come back from their break on Monday, so naturally this is the case. Earlier this afternoon, I went downstairs to get some more coffee. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the jug on top of the dispenser, empty. Marcy was on the phone. I saw my moment, reached out and grabbed it.
I skittered around the front of her desk, out of the room, and quietly up the stairs to my office. There, I waited for the phone call. Her name flashes on the phone's info screen. I ignore it. Fifteen seconds pass. It flashed again, I pick up the phone, punch another line, and call Ben. He's not in, so I leave him a message about Marcy's current mission to get me to bring a jug of water down the stairs in the next fifteen seconds lest the whole office die of severe dehydration.
I could hear the phone downstairs start to ring in short, regular intervals. I could see her getting more and more flustered, listening to the shrill shriek of the phone, eyeballing that empty water jug that was eyeballing her, sitting there in its plastic-y arrogance ready to disappoint the next potential person who might walk up to it and find it empty.
Ben, after all, was in his office, just busy and decided to ignore my call. He pokes his head inside my office's door frame.
"Did you need something?" he asks.
"Yeah," I say with a smile, "but it's not important."
Two minutes pass and I hear heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. It's a rather flustered-looking Ben. He asks me something when reaching the top of the stairs but the only word I can discern is "fucking."
"What?"
"Did she ask you to get the fucking water?"
I laugh.
"No, but she was trying to! That's what I was calling you about."
He gives me a serious, agitated look.
"Why didn't you get the fucking water?"
Who Are You Talking To?
I was headed to his office. He'd just entered mine and stole a miniature screwdriver set I'd received as a gift a few months ago for participating in a college fair.
He picks it up off the floor next to the shelf, where it'd been resting for quite a long while. Eying it closely,
"You use this?"
"Yeah I use it," I reply, as he starts to walk towards the door, "I was just--taking apart---that----power strip over there."
"Sure."
"Dude," I say, "if you're going to take that I want compensation! Something in return."
He smiles over his shoulder and begins to walk away down the hall.
"I want adequate compensation, so you start thinking," I say.
A few moments pass, and with manufactured enthusiasm he says,
"Thanks man!"
"Hey, I told you!"
I head to his office. I enter to find him seated and huddled over a small filing cabinet, playing with his eyeglasses and the tool set. Just as I enter I hear,
"-it'll be a good night for you guys."
He wasn't on the phone, never uses speaker.
"Who you talking to?" I ask.
"Whomever," he says, and I stare at his tool set.
"Is there something you should be telling me?"
"Nope."
He picks it up off the floor next to the shelf, where it'd been resting for quite a long while. Eying it closely,
"You use this?"
"Yeah I use it," I reply, as he starts to walk towards the door, "I was just--taking apart---that----power strip over there."
"Sure."
"Dude," I say, "if you're going to take that I want compensation! Something in return."
He smiles over his shoulder and begins to walk away down the hall.
"I want adequate compensation, so you start thinking," I say.
A few moments pass, and with manufactured enthusiasm he says,
"Thanks man!"
"Hey, I told you!"
I head to his office. I enter to find him seated and huddled over a small filing cabinet, playing with his eyeglasses and the tool set. Just as I enter I hear,
"-it'll be a good night for you guys."
He wasn't on the phone, never uses speaker.
"Who you talking to?" I ask.
"Whomever," he says, and I stare at his tool set.
"Is there something you should be telling me?"
"Nope."
No Back Seat, No Problem
Smoke break conversation with a colleague after I'd recently purchased a new car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"My dad can fit in the driver's seat, has head room and everything," I say.
"That's nice," he replies.
"Yeah," I continue, "though the back seat is a little tight."
Just then, a female student exits the behind, as my colleague says,
"You're not going to have people in the back seat all that often."
Intrinsically, we both think the same thing, and sense that we're thinking the same thing: how that little phrase, being the only part of the conversation the student heard, may have sounded awkward.
We look at each other.
"I do have my own place."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"My dad can fit in the driver's seat, has head room and everything," I say.
"That's nice," he replies.
"Yeah," I continue, "though the back seat is a little tight."
Just then, a female student exits the behind, as my colleague says,
"You're not going to have people in the back seat all that often."
Intrinsically, we both think the same thing, and sense that we're thinking the same thing: how that little phrase, being the only part of the conversation the student heard, may have sounded awkward.
We look at each other.
"I do have my own place."
International Application
Me: Do you remember that student whose mother you were emailing back and forth with?
Her: Yes.
Me: Do you remember his mother's name? He filled out an international application so I don't have any of that information.
Her: He's an international student?
Me: No, he's stupid.
Her: Yes.
Me: Do you remember his mother's name? He filled out an international application so I don't have any of that information.
Her: He's an international student?
Me: No, he's stupid.
Bad Practice
{continuing a conversation that revolved around one of our distant colleagues and his "cast a wide net" approach to getting a date with a woman}
"That's totally not my style," my colleague says. "I'm laid back, I prefer being the mysterious type."
"I don't talk to women there either," I say, "unless they're right next to me."
"I'm not talking just there," my colleague says, "but overall."
"Ah, you mean women in general."
"Yeah, instead of casting a wide net-"
"Fishing with a worm," I say.
"Not even," my colleague says. "Fishing like the Indians, with your bare hands....although they used spears."
"That's totally not my style," my colleague says. "I'm laid back, I prefer being the mysterious type."
"I don't talk to women there either," I say, "unless they're right next to me."
"I'm not talking just there," my colleague says, "but overall."
"Ah, you mean women in general."
"Yeah, instead of casting a wide net-"
"Fishing with a worm," I say.
"Not even," my colleague says. "Fishing like the Indians, with your bare hands....although they used spears."
Show Me the Data
"Do you have Jenn's number?" I ask my colleague.
He makes a face. Why would he have her number? I think she used to have a thing for him a year ago, though he didn't return the sentiment.
"I haven't called that number," he says, a little too defensive.
"I called what was her old extension," I say, "but I got Josh K."
"I've never called that one or the new one," he says. "Why do you need to talk to her?"
"She's registering my student today."
"That's a bad idea," he says. "Why didn't you have me do it?"
"I'm not going to have you register my student."
"I've registered more students than any faculty member on this campus."
"Are you sure about that?" I ask.
"More students each semester, more students than any faculty member on campus," he states.
"Can you back that up?"
"I've registered more students than any of the faculty members on campus."
"Even the ones who've been here for over twenty years."
"I don't know. Probably."
"I'd like to see the data behind that."
"I'm not going to show you the data, he says."
"Well, I still want to see that data."
"You're not going to see the data," he says, looks at his computer screen, "motherfucker."
He makes a face. Why would he have her number? I think she used to have a thing for him a year ago, though he didn't return the sentiment.
"I haven't called that number," he says, a little too defensive.
"I called what was her old extension," I say, "but I got Josh K."
"I've never called that one or the new one," he says. "Why do you need to talk to her?"
"She's registering my student today."
"That's a bad idea," he says. "Why didn't you have me do it?"
"I'm not going to have you register my student."
"I've registered more students than any faculty member on this campus."
"Are you sure about that?" I ask.
"More students each semester, more students than any faculty member on campus," he states.
"Can you back that up?"
"I've registered more students than any of the faculty members on campus."
"Even the ones who've been here for over twenty years."
"I don't know. Probably."
"I'd like to see the data behind that."
"I'm not going to show you the data, he says."
"Well, I still want to see that data."
"You're not going to see the data," he says, looks at his computer screen, "motherfucker."
Coffee is a Natural, a Natural, Uh...
I dial my smoking buddy/colleague.
"(Jumbled language) outside to have a fag?" I try to say.
"Are you drunk over there?" he asks.
"No, no, just talking quietly," I say, but the language exits my mouth tangled yet again.
"Sounds like you had some problems with that one too."
"You want to go outside soon?" I ask, more clearly this time.
"Yeah, I'll go out there in about five minutes."
"All right. I'll wait for your cue."
Five minutes pass, I see my colleague heading for the door. With haste I rise from my desk chair and in seeing this he veers towards my office.
"Whoa. Just hold on a minute," he says. Then he leans in close. "I've gotta drop a deuce."
I laugh. "Jesus Christ. So I'll be down in five to seven minutes?"
"It's the coffee man," he says. "You know, it a natural, a natural, uh..." and he trails off, waving his hands around in front of him in search for the elusive descriptor.
"Diuretic?" I say.
"Yeah, whatever."
"Whatever."
"(Jumbled language) outside to have a fag?" I try to say.
"Are you drunk over there?" he asks.
"No, no, just talking quietly," I say, but the language exits my mouth tangled yet again.
"Sounds like you had some problems with that one too."
"You want to go outside soon?" I ask, more clearly this time.
"Yeah, I'll go out there in about five minutes."
"All right. I'll wait for your cue."
Five minutes pass, I see my colleague heading for the door. With haste I rise from my desk chair and in seeing this he veers towards my office.
"Whoa. Just hold on a minute," he says. Then he leans in close. "I've gotta drop a deuce."
I laugh. "Jesus Christ. So I'll be down in five to seven minutes?"
"It's the coffee man," he says. "You know, it a natural, a natural, uh..." and he trails off, waving his hands around in front of him in search for the elusive descriptor.
"Diuretic?" I say.
"Yeah, whatever."
"Whatever."
Manual Transmission
"I Think I found a car for you," my colleague says to a student while we stand outside, smoking. "A nineteen eighty nine Jeep Wagoneer."
"Yeah well, cars cost money, man," the student replies. "How much was it?"
"Three-thousand."
"Well I only have a hundred bucks, and that's gotta last," the student retorts. "Manual or automatic?"
"Manual," my colleague says. "It's a truck."
"Fuck that, I can't do that," the student says. "Gotta have the shift."
"If you want to put your hand on something," my colleague shoots back, "grab your dick."
"Yeah well, cars cost money, man," the student replies. "How much was it?"
"Three-thousand."
"Well I only have a hundred bucks, and that's gotta last," the student retorts. "Manual or automatic?"
"Manual," my colleague says. "It's a truck."
"Fuck that, I can't do that," the student says. "Gotta have the shift."
"If you want to put your hand on something," my colleague shoots back, "grab your dick."
Arithmetic
I'm smoking out back and the director pulls into the lot, exits his car, and heads toward my direction, shaking his head.
"I tell you," he says, "trying to teach [the softball coach] how to do a mail merge over the phone is like trying to teach an algebra equation to a baby."
"I tell you," he says, "trying to teach [the softball coach] how to do a mail merge over the phone is like trying to teach an algebra equation to a baby."
Hereabouts
From a student questionnaire:
How did you hear about this institution?
The guy who called me said that if I didn't apply he'd kill my dog and make it look like an accident!
How did you hear about this institution?
The guy who called me said that if I didn't apply he'd kill my dog and make it look like an accident!
Burning One for One in Hell
"They're changing the Christmas program this year. It's going to be more like a play," she says.
My colleague and I take this in.
She continues, "They're even going to have a real, live baby Jesus."
My colleague thinks it over.
"You'd make a good wise man," I said to him.
"I'd bring the myrrh," he says.
"I'd want the gold," I state, "but I'd keep it!"
He laughs as we slip further down the slope of sacrilege.
"He and I wouldn't make good wise men," my colleague says to anyone listening. "We'd end up stopping at Sodom and Gomorrah and blowing all our cash."
"Sorry, Jesus," I say, "but I did get you this great t-shirt!"
My colleague and I take this in.
She continues, "They're even going to have a real, live baby Jesus."
My colleague thinks it over.
"You'd make a good wise man," I said to him.
"I'd bring the myrrh," he says.
"I'd want the gold," I state, "but I'd keep it!"
He laughs as we slip further down the slope of sacrilege.
"He and I wouldn't make good wise men," my colleague says to anyone listening. "We'd end up stopping at Sodom and Gomorrah and blowing all our cash."
"Sorry, Jesus," I say, "but I did get you this great t-shirt!"
Smoke Break Thursday Afternoon
"What's that guy doing?" a colleague asks.
I look around, up into the heavens where his gaze is angled, but see nothing.
"This guy, right here," and he points to a tiny spider hanging by a thread of silk from the overhang above the rear entrance to the building.
"He's waiting around for the opportune moment to lay eggs in some chick's hair."
He laughs.
"Aren't we all waiting for that. Except those aren't really eggs."
I look around, up into the heavens where his gaze is angled, but see nothing.
"This guy, right here," and he points to a tiny spider hanging by a thread of silk from the overhang above the rear entrance to the building.
"He's waiting around for the opportune moment to lay eggs in some chick's hair."
He laughs.
"Aren't we all waiting for that. Except those aren't really eggs."
Upon Seeing a Watercolor Portrait of a Large, Naked Man Seated in an Armchair
"Remind me never to go over to that guy's house for a football game."
Turning up the Heat
A colleague and I are behind our office building having a cigarette when one of his students approaches us. Clear skies, a sunny day, she says to my colleague:
"Isn't he hot?"
She's talking about me, I realize; this is a bit awkward. I look down at myself and then to my colleague, and notice that he is wearing a short-sleeve grey polo while I wear a blue, thin, long-sleeve shirt.
"No," I say, "This is light material. Lighter material than the shirt he's wearing," and I point to my colleague.
She laughs, and walks away towards her car.
Once she had walked out of earshot, my colleague says:
"Yeah, he's kind of hot."
"Fuck off," I say.
"Not really into dudes though."
"Isn't he hot?"
She's talking about me, I realize; this is a bit awkward. I look down at myself and then to my colleague, and notice that he is wearing a short-sleeve grey polo while I wear a blue, thin, long-sleeve shirt.
"No," I say, "This is light material. Lighter material than the shirt he's wearing," and I point to my colleague.
She laughs, and walks away towards her car.
Once she had walked out of earshot, my colleague says:
"Yeah, he's kind of hot."
"Fuck off," I say.
"Not really into dudes though."
Getting It All Together
----- Original Message -----
From: M***, A***
Sent: Monday, August 06, 2007 12:39 PM
Subject: Missing Book
A***
From: A***, M***
Sent: Mon 8/6/2007 9:56 PM
To: [List Hidden]
Subject: Re: Missing Book
Sorry A***,
The only books I have of yours right now are Salon Hair Driers: A Collector's Guide, and David Lee Roth's autobiograghy, Crazy From The Heat.
M***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: M***, A***Sent: Tues 8/7/2007 10:33 AM
To: [List Hidden]
Subject: Re: Missing Book
And M***, I still think I have your copy of BrittanyWatch: A Week in the Life of a Teen Idol. Simply riveting!
A***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: M***, A***Sent: Tues 8/7/2007 10:36 AM
To: [List Hidden]
Subject: Re: Missing Book
THe book is found!!! I had loaned it to P*** to scan one of our Core I readings. Thanks everyone for checking!
A***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: W***, P***Sent: Tues 8/7/2007 10:44 AM
To: [List Hidden]
Subject: Re: Missing Book
No, A***, you loaned me Leather and Lace: 100 Years of Celebrity Footwear for the Connoisseur.
P.
At the Tail End
"...and Mandy has graduated with her degree in nursing, and is moving today-"
"That's good."
"-to Rochester, Minnesota to work at Mayo-"
"How neat!"
"-as a colonoscopy nurse."
"Ooooh, that's kind of crappy."
"That's what her mother said."
"That's good."
"-to Rochester, Minnesota to work at Mayo-"
"How neat!"
"-as a colonoscopy nurse."
"Ooooh, that's kind of crappy."
"That's what her mother said."
Live, This Weekend Only! (Continued)
-----Original Appointment-----
From: L***, D***
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 11:23 AM
To: F***, R***
Cc: Z***, B***
Subject: Tentative: Dokken (FREE)
When: Friday, August 03, 2007 8:45 PM to Saturday, August 04, 2007 12:15 AM (GMT-06:00) Central Time (US & Canada).
Where:
A practical concern: Friday's my brother's birthday. There might be some sort of shindig at his place, but I haven't heard a thing yet. If there is, that'd make Dokken a no-go for me.
No less a worry for me is the fear that Dokken will play 15-20 year old power ballads all night. The chicks in skin-tight jeans and black suede shoes that missed the hair band era (those wacky gals might claim otherwise, but Dokken was never metal) would love it, but I might vomit. "Alone Again" all by itself could put me over the edge. That said, I haven't puked on anybody in longer than I remember, so spattering the halter top of a displaced teenage Don Dokken groupie w/a mouthful of beer and partly digested brats does have a certain romantic appeal.
BTW, didn't Randy Rhoades play w/them at some point in his guitar god days? I mostly remember him doing his metal best w/Ozzie, but I seem to recall him doin' a Dokken stint.
_____________________________________________
From: Z***, B***
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 1:36 PM
To: L***, D***
Cc: F***, R***
Subject: RE: Dokken (FREE)
I thought Ingvay (I’m not even going to try to spell that correctly) Malmsteen played with Dokken? Well, whomever they have in the lead guitar slot I’m quite sure they are going to ROCK! That being said, the thought of D*** blowing chow all over some wayward tart, while hilarious, doesn’t exactly sound appealing…
R***, your thoughts?
_____________________________________________
From: F***, R***
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 2:52 PM
To: Z***, B***; L***, D***
Subject: RE: Dokken (FREE)
Gentleman:
Let’s not cry over spilled/spewed beer and brats.
Understandably though, if D*** has a prior engagement, especially one as important as a sibling’s birthday, I cannot expect his attendance. On the other hand, B***, you have no excuse and this sort of opportunity only comes around once in a lifetime (then again I suppose there’s always the chance that we could convince the FDL County Fair to book Dokken next year).
That said, my good friend J*** and I are planning on rocking spandex, tank-tops, headbands, and decades-old hair styles. That might be reason enough to make an appearance.
Just some thoughts,
R***
-----------------------------------------
From: Z***, B***
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 3:45 PM
To: L***, D***
Cc: F***, R***
Subject: RE: Dokken (FREE)
You forgot about the strategically placed rolled up tubesock…
From: L***, D***
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 11:23 AM
To: F***, R***
Cc: Z***, B***
Subject: Tentative: Dokken (FREE)
When: Friday, August 03, 2007 8:45 PM to Saturday, August 04, 2007 12:15 AM (GMT-06:00) Central Time (US & Canada).
Where:
A practical concern: Friday's my brother's birthday. There might be some sort of shindig at his place, but I haven't heard a thing yet. If there is, that'd make Dokken a no-go for me.
No less a worry for me is the fear that Dokken will play 15-20 year old power ballads all night. The chicks in skin-tight jeans and black suede shoes that missed the hair band era (those wacky gals might claim otherwise, but Dokken was never metal) would love it, but I might vomit. "Alone Again" all by itself could put me over the edge. That said, I haven't puked on anybody in longer than I remember, so spattering the halter top of a displaced teenage Don Dokken groupie w/a mouthful of beer and partly digested brats does have a certain romantic appeal.
BTW, didn't Randy Rhoades play w/them at some point in his guitar god days? I mostly remember him doing his metal best w/Ozzie, but I seem to recall him doin' a Dokken stint.
_____________________________________________
From: Z***, B***
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 1:36 PM
To: L***, D***
Cc: F***, R***
Subject: RE: Dokken (FREE)
I thought Ingvay (I’m not even going to try to spell that correctly) Malmsteen played with Dokken? Well, whomever they have in the lead guitar slot I’m quite sure they are going to ROCK! That being said, the thought of D*** blowing chow all over some wayward tart, while hilarious, doesn’t exactly sound appealing…
R***, your thoughts?
_____________________________________________
From: F***, R***
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 2:52 PM
To: Z***, B***; L***, D***
Subject: RE: Dokken (FREE)
Gentleman:
Let’s not cry over spilled/spewed beer and brats.
Understandably though, if D*** has a prior engagement, especially one as important as a sibling’s birthday, I cannot expect his attendance. On the other hand, B***, you have no excuse and this sort of opportunity only comes around once in a lifetime (then again I suppose there’s always the chance that we could convince the FDL County Fair to book Dokken next year).
That said, my good friend J*** and I are planning on rocking spandex, tank-tops, headbands, and decades-old hair styles. That might be reason enough to make an appearance.
Just some thoughts,
R***
-----------------------------------------
From: Z***, B***
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 3:45 PM
To: L***, D***
Cc: F***, R***
Subject: RE: Dokken (FREE)
You forgot about the strategically placed rolled up tubesock…
Live, This Weekend Only!
From: F***, R***
To: Z***, B***; L***, D***
Subject: Dokken (FREE!)
When: Saturday, August 3rd 8:45-11:30pm
Don't want to miss this, boys. Beer and festivities at my sister's before and after.
------------------
From: Z***, B***
To: F***, R***
Subject: Re: Dokken (FREE!)
When: Saturday, August 3rd 8:45-11:30pm
Status: Tentative
I might be rearranging my sock drawer that night...
To: Z***, B***; L***, D***
Subject: Dokken (FREE!)
When: Saturday, August 3rd 8:45-11:30pm
Don't want to miss this, boys. Beer and festivities at my sister's before and after.
------------------
From: Z***, B***
To: F***, R***
Subject: Re: Dokken (FREE!)
When: Saturday, August 3rd 8:45-11:30pm
Status: Tentative
I might be rearranging my sock drawer that night...
Related Fields
Admissions says: What program are you thinking about currently?
Guest says: I want to be a social worker or something to do with space and the universe.
Guest says: I want to be a social worker or something to do with space and the universe.
Smoke Break
"Hey man, do you want to go out for a smoke?"
"Nah man, I had to run into town, I just got back about twenty minutes ago. If you-"
"No."
"Just waited-"
"Nope."
"For-"
"Nope."
"A few min-"
"Nope"
"-utes I could-"
"Nope."
"Ok."
"Nah man, I had to run into town, I just got back about twenty minutes ago. If you-"
"No."
"Just waited-"
"Nope."
"For-"
"Nope."
"A few min-"
"Nope"
"-utes I could-"
"Nope."
"Ok."
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